My husband is impotent and I am having an affair

I am married from 4 years and my husband is abroad. After our wedding the marriage was not consummated and he went back abroad to join his job. I stayed back in India. He returned after 10 months and that was when I realised he was medically unfit to have sex. My husband is impotent. 

I realised I am in a sexless marriage. It was very frustrating to see that he was totally incapable. I tried to ask him about his problem and if we could address it but he is not open to any kind of discussion about it. Is impotence a reason for divorce?

I have heard erectile dysfunction causes divorce. But I really didn’t know how to deal with my impotent husband and sexless marriage since there was no chance of any communication about it. How could I help my husband with impotence? I had no clue since he made the topic of sex totally taboo.

I am having an affair because of my husband’s impotence

Currently I am in relationship with another person who satisfies me sexually. I had no way but get into this because I just couldn’t deal with my sexless marriage anymore. Erectile dysfunctions and affairs that wife get into are common I know, but I am unable to deal with the stress this is bringing me.

But I am very stressed about this relationship and I am worried. Give me a solution. What should I do? Can an impotent man be cured?

Dear Confused lady,

I completely understand your frustration at not being able to consummate your marriage. But did this situation come up after the wedding or was this the condition from the beginning?

Here is what you could do.

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Is the husband’s medical condition permanent?

Is your husband’s medical condition where he is physically not fit to have sex, a permanent one?  If yes, then you need to think about what you want. Can you cope with this situation for life?

If you can convince your husband, I know he is not willing to communicate with you about this, to see a counsellor then he might open up about the issue.

Sometimes erectile dysfunction is triggered by stress, trauma or medication that he is taking. If he sees a doctor or a sexologist then there might be some light at the end of the tunnel.

Having an affair is a temporary relief

While you have been satisfying the sexual desire with another person, remember you still have a husband to go back to. Living a dual life comes with stress and anxiety. Something that you are already unable to deal with. If your affair goes on for long this could lead to more stress than pleasure.

To stay married or to move on

It’s been 4 years since you’ve been married and the husband lives away from you. This may not bring you anything in the long run, if your physical needs are unmet. Please talk to the elders in the family and take their support after you make a decision.

Yes, erectile dysfunction and an unconsummated marriage could be a reason for divorce but you need to see a lawyer and discuss this.

Remember it’s your life. Look for solutions and not complications. There is no denying the fact that surviving a sexless marriage is hard but getting into an affair is not a solution either.

source: Bonobology